I do not understand “Sperm Donors.” And I’m not intending to judge. But I want to understand how the connection between a man and his child is lost. Women can identify their connection with their child because of their pregnancy. Did God really make men and women uniquely different in this regard making men having less of an emotional connection to our kids? Enquiring minds…
men
Chronicles of a Divorced Dad: Co-parenting is Difficult at Best
I had to drop my son off to his mom’s apartment after tutoring. He was not feeling well so I had to get there a little early because of his illness. I gathered up his belongings and we headed to the car. As we got to his mom’s place and we were about to get out of the car he had a tear in his eye. I asked him “what’s wrong?” He explained he was sad because he wasn’t feeling well. I assured him it was okay and not to worry about stuff you can’t control. I gave him a big hug and he headed down the hall towards the elevator.
As I turned around and started to leave – I was overcome with a familiar feeling, that same feeling I get on a weekly basis, that feeling of sadness. I was reminded of my situation and what it means to be a divorced father of two. A divorced dad. Not fun.
This feeling is not anything you want to deal with but you deal with it. It is re-living a painful death on a weekly basis. Many a man has to deal with this feeling and most people don’t understand. You’re a man. You’re supposed to be strong. You deal with it, damnnit! You must prevail over your emotions.
You are overcome with the feeling. That feeling that says I wanna be there for my boy because he’s not well, or with my daughter just so I can be there when she wakes up, or knowing that she sleeps with a picture of me by her side. Those simple things we don’t much think about or we take for granted the love our kids have for each parent. And we deal with the difficult feelings these acts bring. Co-parenting and raising kids separately is difficult at best.
Not an easy task by any means even if you have the support of loved ones.
We have painful reminders we encounter as we go through life’s challenges and the effects they have on us. We have difficult emotions to overcome especially when you are handicapped in dealing with them – unspoken depression, machoism, or just being a man.
But somehow we do overcome the emotions. Us divorced dads. Us single dads – although, we don’t use this terminology much, we leave that for the women. Men like me continue to do what we have to do, pay the support we are ordered to pay, and try to be in the lives of our kids because that’s what we do. It is what we were born to do. And many of us men accept this challenge.
We do this week after week even in spite of the feelings we experience. Talking to no one about it. We all experience that familiar feeling, that slowly painful death as we are separated from our growing kids. However, at the end of the day, we are thankful of being with our kids if only for that moment. And we find the strength to go forward just to experience the euphoria and the letdown all in the same breadth. It is for the love of our kids.
Daddy Dan
CHRONICLES OF A DIVORCED DAD: The Dating Scene in 2014
Dating Scene Basics from a Grown Man
What is more challenging than weight loss? More difficult than Algebra? More frightening than facing a three-headed monster? Why, dating over the age of 40 of course.
For some people the above analogies might not apply, but I suspect for many of us restarting our dating lives after a long period of dormancy the aforementioned is the truth. I’m no different. For the record – dating sucks when you’re a full grown man.
A plethora of problems come to mind when dating over the age 40.
1) Exactly how much money will I need and am I the only one paying? Dating is not for the poor – although there are a number of things you can do for free but most women will only tolerate free dates for so long. Bringing over a six-pack, a bottle of cheap Moscato, and a large pizza just won’t cut it. Eventually you have to show your worth.
2) How many dates can I pursue during a given week? The short answer is as many as I want! Of course keeping in mind Issue #1. Additionally, the stress of work, kids, washing my socks, etc. proves that it is no easy task to go on dates nightly. This cuts the dating time down to a few times a month if I’m lucky. Choose wisely.
3) What? No sex on the first date? When did this trend start? I must have missed the memo since my college days when everyone seemed so wild and carefree. There was a time men talked about other men “sowing their oats” and gave the obligatory wink of approval. However, today we are living in an age of incurable disease and changing lifestyle which forces our hands of morality when choosing sex partners. The choice is not always about volume but sharing an intimate moment with someone special.
4) My kids. Yes, paying attention to your kids is going to cut into your dating life. Not only from a time management standpoint but emotionally as well. I don’t mind having this type of problem; however, women over a certain age typically have older kids therefore making it harder for them to play second fiddle. I will caution women that if you have a man doing what he can to take care of his kids he’s probably a keeper. IJS
5) Choices, choices, and more choices. I thought my high school and college years were full of choices. There seems to be so many single people roaming this free country of ours that the stable is endless. With so many choices can a man really expect to rush through the dating life? Granted, everyone’s choices are not the same but we all have them regardless. Dating is not just about quantity as first gleamed.
6) A lack of desire for love. I often hear women say they married for love the first time and the second time for money. What say a man? I married for sex the first time and will marry for sex again? Not quite. The difference – there will be no second marriage. At least those are my thoughts initially and presumably shared by many a man. It takes careful introspection to determine who I am now and what I desire for my future. Time heals all wounds.
As you can see the issues mount up quickly. Now do note – I am not against dating, marriage, love, emotional slavery, Valentine’s Day, etc., but I will approach dating cautiously. Society’s approach to dating when young was to be more cavalier and it worked fine as we experienced life as young adults. But there are so many other responsibilities that arise when you age that they can’t be ignored. We all want someone to share special moments with but we all are very guarded more than before. All hope is not lost as we see people fall in love every day regardless of age. And that, my friends, is a good thing – hope.
Man of Wisdom
Family and the Single Dad: Why I can’t wait till summer vacation!
When did public schools around the country start giving standardized tests for 3rd and 4th grade? At what point did homework seem to consume so much of a parent’s time? Who does Algebra at the age of 10? Did I miss the memo for these life changes? Apparently I did. Having kids at my age has made me reflect on how involved my parents were with my school work when I was the same age as my own kids. I am glad that I have half a brain to figure out the correct answers. Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader? Uh, well, probably not so much.
I have always said if I had my kids when I was in my twenties I would have had more energy and time; however, I have found myself with more wisdom and money by having kids in my forties. It’s an interesting exchange of priorities – time and energy versus money and wisdom. Now I have to add education into the mix. I might have had a fresher outlook for schooling in my twenties – thus able to focus better, help my children with their school work, and understand the problems presented. My current attributes are patience, empathy, and compassion. Life is always filled with irony and decisions, and homework in my household has not escaped this dilemma.
I am not in the same household as my children’s mother making it more challenging to assist in the duties of homework. This shared responsibility is a bit more taxing today versus what I remember as I grew up. With the divorce rates pushing nearly 60% I wonder how many of us parents struggle to deal with this changing landscape of education. I’m happy we did not go down the road of homeschooling because I can only imagine the challenges that present themselves as a person goes through a divorce. It seems an impossible task. Time commitments and dedication to my child’s education is exacerbated because of the separation but it is necessary.
My own parents were fairly bright individuals but I honestly don’t recall sitting and going over my homework assignments with them. I will have to ask them. I do remember they were very busy and there was very little time to assist me and my many siblings with much of anything – coming from a big family will do this. I suppose a smaller family unit might have a different dynamic when it comes to educating the youth; but I have a small family and I still struggle with it. There is a lot of homework each week, my kids hate doing homework, I hate doing homework, and it is more complex. Algebra is being introduced in some elementary schools, Common Core math has been introduced, and ISAT scores are ultra-competitive. The educational environment today is not for the weak-of-mind.
I feel bad for those young single parents that do not have the academic background to assist their children. Unfortunately, these children will find themselves behind the eight-ball as they grow. And it isn’t keeping up with kids during these growing periods. My own struggles are evident when I assist my kids and I have to hide it best I can. My kids need to believe that I can answer any question. This helps with their confidence. Occasionally I have to punt the question to God and tell them to wait for that answer. (“Daddy, when does infinity end?” “Daddy, how was God born?”) For the most part, I am able to plow through the difficult school subjects and provide them with the appropriate answers. I do fear my involvement will diminish as they progress in grades. At some point I will have to ask myself “am I smarter than a 5th grader?” Sigh, I already know that answer.
Daddy Dan
My Semi-Monthly Article
I write about my life as a single father and bring in a much needed perspective from the baby-daddy’s view. Enjoy.
Man of Wisdom 