If you’re Sexy and You Know it Clap Your Hands

Yes, women have heard it time and time again. Many men have uttered it time and time again. And most everyone believes it to some degree – I’m just too sexy!

But can we be real for a moment? I mean, not ignore facts and truth? Okay, great, then here it goes…

YES, you are ALL SEXY!  (In your own right, anyway)

Therefore, I’d like to take a moment and describe sexy for me – feel free to create your own list if you’d like.

  1. I love your curves – big or small – curves is where it’s at. And if you don’t have curves don’t fret because the smallest of curves emanates sexy.
  2. I enjoy a good, sexy stare as if you are mesmerized by me. Yes, it might be to pump up my ego but I will walk to China and back for you.
  3. When you giggle I giggle. Like a child. And it melts me.
  4. When you talk slowly and directly but in a soft tone I could listen to you until the end of time. No lie, end of time.
  5. When you walk with confidence I love to stare and revel in your aura. There is nothing sexier than a well defined strut.
  6. Women that give speeches – it combines beauty and smarts and there is nothing sexier than when the two worlds collide. The ultimate in sex appeal is how God crafted a being in this manner. Am I talking about a unicorn? Of course not, you’re real!
  7. Touch me on my chin or cheek and I will be at your command. I’m not into massages or such but when a woman knows just how to touch a man the man forgets any discomfort he has with touching. I’d be ready to cuddle with you throughout the night.
  8. Give me a big, beautiful, genuine smile and I will be yours. Forever.

All Smiles

There is nothing wrong with being sexy and we should cherish what sexy really is. It isn’t how you dress, whether you’re good in bed, or how good you can twerk, but it is your attitude starting from within. As a man I can’t get enough of the beauty women are able to display and it inspires me to be on my “A” game as well. Thus, it isn’t about how hard you have to work to please me it is how your sex appeal ignites me.

And when I am on fire I love it.

Go well and with love good peeps.

And Now for Something a Little Lighter

All I can say is WOW. I mean, WOW. I’ve experienced heavy stuff over the last couple of days – the topic of the day – Domestic Violence. Video releases of extreme punches and the fallout from that video. The topic has drained me mentally and tired me out. Therefore, I need to focus on something else to wipe my mind clean of the stressors of the day. Thus, as my good friend Bill Murray exclaimed in Stripes, “lighten up Francis.”

And lighter it will become. In my moments of lightieness (is that even a word) I’d like to focus on none other than me. Me!

Have you ever had an embarrassing moment in your life that you’d wish you could take back? Of course you have. We all have had maybe even a few. And I’m no different. So let me start with my embarrassing moments.

College days – way back when – while grabbing dinner in the dorm and trying to look like the tough guy I was I overfilled my tray with the high-cholesterol grub of the day and I became careless. When I set my tray down on the edge of the drink rack is when it happened. Whoop! There went my tray, grub and all down my entire body. If there was a rock I would’ve hid under it. I grimaced as the crowd stared at me. I can barely remember any noise as the entire room of 300 or so hungry college students took notice. I cried in my head, “Mama!” On a good note – at least I didn’t spill my drink. Wait, I actually did.

Or how about a time when no one was looking? It’s a little strange having an embarrassing moment when no one is looking because it feels like that old tale – if a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound? If no one sees you are you still embarrassed?

The short answer is yes.

As I was walking home one day down a side street in my neighborhood, minding my own business, I unknowingly passed under a bird’s nest. What happened next surprised me. The damn mama bird began attacking me! It flew over my head and darted down toward me intermittently pecking at me. As it swooped down I flung my arms at it in that “shoo-away” action. What the Hell?! My work backpack flung around in confusion as I began to frantically try to get away from the crazy bird. And then the daddy bird began to attack me as well. I began to trot away to get out of the eyeshot of the birds and away from the nest. This was as bad as a bee attack. Had there been a video of me flailing it would have been both humorous and embarrassing. At least there were no human eyes on me to witness this event. Embarrassing nonetheless.

Ah. I feel better to get these things off my chest. And I’m happy to share with you my little life stories that make up my life. We have to find those moments in time when we really need to lighten our days and take the pressures off of us. This is merely one of those times and if you can’t laugh at yourself how can you laugh at others?

Go well and with love good peeps.

Poetic License

I couldn’t wait to lay my eyes on her smooth caramel complexion, soft brown eyes, and voluptuous curves. She was everything. Her mind, body, and spirit captured a place in my imagination cementing the idea of us together. I imagined the air of her breathe as it touched my warm cheek as she would lean into my face whispering life into my ear. I could almost feel her body as I thought of the embrace we would have when I met her in the doorway of her newly acquired home. Once I held her in my arms I feared I would never let go thus exposing my true vulnerabilities with this goddess of mine.

My heart was thumping loudly through my crisp off-white Polo button-up as I parked my car. The thoughts that were running through my mind reminded me of the time when I first glimpsed a cute little redhead in the sixth grade. It was an innocent recollection of desire while I became acutely aware of my climb into boyhood. And here I was many years later with that familiar feeling. This feeling felt innocent enough although I thirst to meet my princess as I walked up the concrete steps. My previous thoughts of our first date ricocheted through my mind like tiny silver pellets. My plan unraveled as I took each step.

I rang the bell with a solid push from my thumb as my other hand held tightly to the bundle of brightly colored flowers I brought along for good company. I felt a tinge of sweat beginning to make its way down the side of my temple. In this moment of brevity I thought to leave, exit, get away and not allow her to witness me in such an awkward state. This wasn’t who I was. Was it? I was confident, witty, intelligent, and full of life. I make people laugh and smile at the stories I tell. I was the guy in the room where eyes gravitated. But who was I now?

My thoughts dissipated as the door gently swung open. And there she stood – in all of her beautiful glory. I was speechless.

I had prepared a poetic opening to address her as she answered the door but I was at a loss for words. Her beautiful brown hair glistened under the light from the porch as it effortlessly stretched to touch her shoulders. Her smile of acceptance should have eased my tense bones but instead its power melted me like butter and it left me as a useless puddle of emotion and sweat. My poetic license was lost for the moment as I made every attempt to regain my composure.

I prayed this was not a prelude for how the rest of my date would unfold. Well, my prayers fell upon deaf ears.

At least she invited me in.

…to be continued…

What Value Doth Saith a Man?

Recently I had a great conversation with a beautiful, young, intelligent, and successful woman. We spoke over a candlelit sushi dinner and with just the right background music playing overhead. Her smile was radiant and her sense of humor was refreshing. She had a confidence about herself that shone through her lovely skin tone. And as we mused about our days and life and fun times she then popped me the question – What can a man offer a successful woman like herself besides his muscles and a dick?

Uh, what, huh?  Come again (no pun intended)?

I stammered as I searched for the answers. Mind you, she was not referring to me as we are merely friends (I think?). But her line of questioning did put me on the hot seat for a moment. I was not ready for the conversation to take this type of turn, but it did. Wow I thought. In my translation of her question I conjured up a doable meaning for me – What value does a man have to a woman?

In my quest to uncover this mystery about us men I felt it was in my duty to educate her but also enlighten all women that might have the same question.

Here are the results that protruded from my brain:

P.S. – I did not use the aforementioned values so eloquently established by said friend.

…waiting for it,

…hmm, harder than I thought, but give me a moment,

…I got it! Wait, I don’t have it.

…Can you repeat the question please?

Well, heck, I really only can come up with two things – good loving and muscles (or the ability to buy muscles).

But is that really all a man can offer a successful woman? Have men not evolved in a way which their value is seen as greater than the two-item list? Are we men resting on our past laurels? My friend then spoke of the unthinkable for a man; she wanted some type of emotional connection. I had to ignorantly, but innocently ask the question, “what the Hell does that mean?” Like, someone to talk to when you are lonely? Talk about my day at work? Should I whisper sweet nothings in your ears? Or are we talking telepathy? I was at a loss for thought and clearly out of my element.

“Check please!”

While I may not be the most metrosexual man of the day I like to think I am a fairly progressive person; someone that has been open to new ideas and various opinions. I believe in letting people speak freely about their thoughts and I usually try to keep an open mind when doing so. But now I was lumped into this archaic value of men – to protect and help make babies. Speechless.

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I don’t think it is a bad thing that a man can provide some muscle when needed. A man can install an air-conditioner when it gets hot outside. He can fix a tire on a cold winter’s day. Some men can barbeque up a storm and with minimal preparation. How about change a light bulb high above or even skin a fish. And a man can sexually satisfy a woman when he puts his mind, body, and back into it. And maybe, just maybe, a man can connect emotionally, evolving of sorts – but call it something else. How about call it thought engagement. That I can understand.

Go well and with love good peeps.

Anger Management 101

Hey YOU! And You! And You! Take a deep breath with me and slowly exhale and say “woo-saa!” Relax, do it again.

We have all been there with our emotions. We have experienced a moment or two when we are on either side of the anger chain – instigating or receiving. Every angry emotion we experience is valid, otherwise it wouldn’t exist within ourselves, however, many times we need to get a grip. This is where I want to help.

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It very well may be that someone knows how to push your buttons. Or you might have a tongue that can split concrete. Or you might like taking out your aggressions on the nearest garbage can (of course not the metal ones as I wouldn’t want you to hurt your precious fists). And you might even feel justified when that no-good-loser-two-timing-deadbeat-of-a-dad makes that stupid mistake and you pick up the nearest object and hurl it his way. No matter that it is your size eight shoe with a metal heel. And you might be justified. But in the end where does anger get us besides potential broken bones or scars (both emotional and physical)? Therefore, I want to share some ideas on how we can all overcome this emotion rollercoaster of anger by practicing a few simple tactics.

First, let’s look at it from the instigator standpoint:

  1. If you don’t have something good to say – STFU! Pretty straight forward but ultimately the tongue is what gets most of us started.
  2. Don’t text mean crap. A doctor once told me be wary of the sniper shots you take with your spouse and loved ones. You know what they are – a little jab here or there.
  3. Keep your hands to yourself. This applies to both men and WOMEN. Women are no more free to strike a man than a man a woman. Unless it’s in self-defense which then I would recommend using some other type of force…like a taser.
  4. Remember the love in your spirit. We all talk about how loving we are – well then show it even if you become frustrated with a given situation.
  5. Stop looking to blame. Annoying, annoying, annoying. Just stop it even if you believe it in your heart. Otherwise, repeat #1.

And for those of us receiving aggression that tips us off into the deep-end of anger:

  1. Ignore, ignore, ignore. If you have to count sheep – think of baseball games – or lilies in a field then do it. Don’t go off the ledge.
  2. Don’t drive or operate machinery. And if you are driving don’t speed. Kind of like the Xfinity commercials – you don’t want to end up in a ditch because of your cable provider.
  3. If you need to speak to anyone use your life line and call a friend. However, attempt to steer the conversation away from the object of your anger and instead focus on talking about lilies in the field. Or baseball. Or, whatever… (Repeat #1)
  4. Put the text machine down and don’t do it. Don’t record into infinity the nasty thoughts you conjure up. It’s no fun to have these things backfire on you.
  5. Go work out. Somewhere. Anywhere. Just don’t punch cheap plastic trash cans because they need protecting, too.

Remember good peeps, we are all in this together whether we like it or not. Stupid people make stupid decisions in which we have to pay the price. Sometimes we may be that stupid person and other times we are not. It’s life. But working on ourselves can get us through these difficult times.

Now excuse me while exercise the list for my own self-control.

Go well and with love good peeps.

Time to Face the Change, Cha-Cha-Changes…

This is a significant week for me in terms of my transitions. My life is about to take another turn, albeit a welcomed turn, but a turn nonetheless. It’s MOVING DAY! Yah!

I hate moving. It’s annoying, tiring, and never seems to be worth the effort.

I can’t end my procrastination (hence my writing and avoidance) when it comes to preparing for this inglorious day. However, I have moved so many times in my lifetime you’d think I was cool with this (at least 30, but hey, who’s counting). But I’m not.

I remember my college days when my roommate and I moved when I got off work – at 10 PM! Yes, we went until about 4 AM. Let’s just say a lot of beer was consumed during the time.

Then there was the time I moved into my first house some years ago. My friend and I had to move an old, heavy 10ft couch and decided the best spot for the couch was the trash. Unfortunately, the small access areas throughout the old Chicago apartment complexes caused us some difficulties in throwing it off the back stairway. The couch got entangled on the back fence after we tossed it from the 3rd floor. This forced us to do acrobatic tricks in untangling the mess we created. It rained cat hair and loose change for an hour.

There was the moment of clarity when I felt “I’m getting too old for this shit” when I literally had two full 18ft U-Haul truck loads to complete. My small army of volunteers was exhausted from the full day battle. However, I did provide libations at the end of the day and we even had one for our fallen homie who had to “cut out early because of family.” Grrrr.

I finally reached moving nirvana when my employers moved me (multiple times – sweet!). I sat back and watched the magic occur. However, I did have to supervise as they would have packed my sleeping cats if I hadn’t stated “those aren’t statues.” I remember unpacking one of the boxes and it was my kitchen garbage can full to the brim with trash. Talk about being thorough.

So here are my pointers to consider for your DIY move:

  1. Plan as much as you can ahead of time. This is easier said than done but it will prevent you from stressing.
  2. Take a moment and pack a box here and there throughout your hectic week.
  3. Make lots of friends; and then enlist them when the time comes. It’s not manipulation but it is investment for your future.
  4. Get rid of shi…stuff. I know it’s not easy but we are all guilty of holding onto stuff. Like you I’m always hoping there’s that six-figure check I misplaced and happen to find during the move.
  5. Stock up on your favorite beverage to keep you motivated. This includes beer, wine, whiskey, Diet Mountain Dew, or whatever your heart’s desire to help you make it through the event.
  6. Make sure your beloved pets stay clear of packing hands.

Have fun! Regardless of the pain of moving, both physical and mental make it an outing to cherish. It not only gets you through the time but it will become a cherished memory itself.

Go well and with love good peeps.

Why You Wanna Irk Me So?

I admit I’m more of a Speed Racer type when it comes to putting the pedal-to-the-metal; therefore my blabbing may irk you as I was irked by another. But I’m going to press forward and say what I gotta say anyway!

When you see me coming up on you like a well-tuned Formula 1 semi-rocket move outta the way and let me drive! Is it really so hard to let go of that control? You know you like what you see and admire my swag, but no, you wanna play games with me…tease me…control me, and you know it’s gonna irk me because you see the way I approach you. And as soon as I see you slip and you give me a lane you wanna go and block me again. This is not a game! You’re gonna make me scream “Jesus take the wheel” lest I do something I regret, like take another path. But hey, I should expect this cat-n-mouse foreplay because it is what happens during courtship.

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As for someone’s car antics, that irked me as well.

I sat in my car trying to progress at a reasonable rate and there he was purposely driving like Ms. Daisy. He would slow down to get under my skin knowing I was in a hurry. I said to myself “If I wasn’t a good Christian boy I’d pull you over and beat the freaking sh*t outta you and tear you a new a$$hole you S.O.B!” But I didn’t. And God forgive me for my rage.

But who is really in the wrong? Am I to blame because I can’t drive 55 or is he because he is purposely provoking me? And here in lies life’s crazy debate about balance and responsibilities.

Sure, I could have been driving a bit slower, maybe just a tad above the speed limit as I was in a hurry to not miss the cutoff for dropping off my kids to daycare. Or he could have moved over and let me pass as there were no obstacles preventing him from doing so. City driving causes road rage causing inexcusable behavior that might result in unfortunate circumstances. Who needs this?

Responsibility states we all share in creating a balanced and harmonic living environment for ourselves and the world. It ensures we behave in an unselfish manner prompting our brethren to relinquish control sometimes while other times becoming the beneficiary of a good act.

Either way, we must remember to take a moment and pause so we can compose ourselves and not make irrational or ignorant decisions purely based on selfish priorities.

As for my driving – I will still drive like Mario Andretti until I am no longer able to do so, but I typically share the road (and in this case the greater metaphor for road – life) with others so we all might travel harmoniously. Life should always be about the greater good, therefore, I submitted to being greater even though he was not.

Go well and with love good peeps.

My Day of Positivity Starts…NOW

Encouragement sometimes gets lost in the shuffle of life. My inspirations, namely my kids, have to help me realize how beautiful my life has been and how great it is to share with others. My sarcasm and quirkiness occasionally overshadows my compassion and care for humanity. Therefore, I like to make it crystal clear where I stand with life’s positivity. I am all for it.

We may find ourselves under pressure at times or feeling a bit despondent but never forget your value as a human being on this wonderful planet. Look around you and give thanks to the Creator for life so abundant. And take a moment today to share your positivity with others as the day wears on.

And now for me, I am going to make the very best of today – as we all say – tomorrow is not promised.

In the words of my little ones:

My kids: Daddy, what day is it?

Me: Uh…

Us: HUMP-DAY!